Digital Darlings: Love Letters to the Pros
February 14 2019
For the beloved characters in our games, no one is more attractive than the pros who control their every move over 8 hours a day. And how could they not? This is the ideal male form, this is what peak performance looks like, sitting on his MAXNOMIC® by NEEDforSEAT® chair and using his custom gaming PC from Alienware.
His palms would be sweaty, holding his trusty mouse all day. His knees weak from sitting through 4 hour scrim blocks. And his arms would be heavy from taking selfies for social media. There’s Monster on his sweater already, and maybe even some of Manny’s spaghetti. No one could resist such paragons of gaming, including even the most unsentimental of characters.
If only they could speak (or write an email), they’d be able to share all the things they admire about our players. Fortunately, we can speak for them. These are the amorous words that these characters would have sent to our players.
WARNING: We do not take responsibility for any potential “alternative art forms” that our mindless ramblings may inspire.
His palms would be sweaty, holding his trusty mouse all day. His knees weak from sitting through 4 hour scrim blocks. And his arms would be heavy from taking selfies for social media. There’s Monster on his sweater already, and maybe even some of Manny’s spaghetti. No one could resist such paragons of gaming, including even the most unsentimental of characters.
If only they could speak (or write an email), they’d be able to share all the things they admire about our players. Fortunately, we can speak for them. These are the amorous words that these characters would have sent to our players.
WARNING: We do not take responsibility for any potential “alternative art forms” that our mindless ramblings may inspire.
Dear Snutesypoo,
I miss you. And so do our 12,307 children and grandchildren, including but not limited to, James Mary John Patricia Robert Jennifer Michael Linda Snute Jr. William Elizabeth David Barbara Joseph Jessica Richard Susan Thomas Sarah Charles Margaret Christopher Karen Daniel Nancy Matthew Lisa Anthony Betty Donald Dorothy Mark Sandra Paul Ashley Steven Kimberly Andrew Donna Kenneth Emily Swarmy McSwarmpants George Carol Joshua Michelle Kevin Amanda Brian Melissa Edward Deborah Ronald Stephanie Timothy Rebecca Jason Laura Ryan Sharon Jeffrey Helen Jacob Cynthia Gary Kathleen Nicholas Amy Eric Shirley Stephen Angela Jonathan Anna Larry Ruth Justin Brenda Scott Pamela Brandon Nicole Frank Katherine Benjamin Swarmantha Gregory Christine Raymond Catherine Samuel Virginia Patrick Debra Jack Janet Alexander Rachel Dennis Emma Jerry Carolyn Tyler Maria Aaron Heather Jose Julie Henry Kerrigan Diane Douglas Joyce Peter Evelyn Adam Joan Nathan Victoria Zachary Kelly Walter Christina Kyle Lauren Harold Frances Carl Martha Jeremy Judith Gerald Cheryl Keith Megan Roger Andrea Arthur Olivia Terry Ann Lawrence Jean Sean Alice Christian Jacqueline Ethan Hannah Austin Doris Joe Kathryn Albert Overlord Gloria Jesse Teresa Willie Sara Billy Janice Bryan Marie Bruce Julia Noah Grace Jordan Snute III Judy Dylan Theresa Ralph Madison Roy Beverly Alan Denise Grrawrrr Wayne Marilyn Eugene Amber Juan Danielle Gabriel Rose Louis Brittany Russell Diana Randy Abigail Vincent Natalie Philip Jane Logan Lori Bobby Alexis Harry Tiffany Johnny Kayla and DanceDanceEvolutionChamber. It’s been so long since you last saw the grandkids, and I heard that we’re expecting 37,883 great grandchildren this year. Our precious little family is growing.
We all hope that you’re enjoying retirement, and don’t worry, we’re taking care of the family business of infesting planets and civilizations. I look forward to retiring with you one day, once all non-Zerg life in this sector of the galaxy has been extinguished.
Yours Forever,
I miss you. And so do our 12,307 children and grandchildren, including but not limited to, James Mary John Patricia Robert Jennifer Michael Linda Snute Jr. William Elizabeth David Barbara Joseph Jessica Richard Susan Thomas Sarah Charles Margaret Christopher Karen Daniel Nancy Matthew Lisa Anthony Betty Donald Dorothy Mark Sandra Paul Ashley Steven Kimberly Andrew Donna Kenneth Emily Swarmy McSwarmpants George Carol Joshua Michelle Kevin Amanda Brian Melissa Edward Deborah Ronald Stephanie Timothy Rebecca Jason Laura Ryan Sharon Jeffrey Helen Jacob Cynthia Gary Kathleen Nicholas Amy Eric Shirley Stephen Angela Jonathan Anna Larry Ruth Justin Brenda Scott Pamela Brandon Nicole Frank Katherine Benjamin Swarmantha Gregory Christine Raymond Catherine Samuel Virginia Patrick Debra Jack Janet Alexander Rachel Dennis Emma Jerry Carolyn Tyler Maria Aaron Heather Jose Julie Henry Kerrigan Diane Douglas Joyce Peter Evelyn Adam Joan Nathan Victoria Zachary Kelly Walter Christina Kyle Lauren Harold Frances Carl Martha Jeremy Judith Gerald Cheryl Keith Megan Roger Andrea Arthur Olivia Terry Ann Lawrence Jean Sean Alice Christian Jacqueline Ethan Hannah Austin Doris Joe Kathryn Albert Overlord Gloria Jesse Teresa Willie Sara Billy Janice Bryan Marie Bruce Julia Noah Grace Jordan Snute III Judy Dylan Theresa Ralph Madison Roy Beverly Alan Denise Grrawrrr Wayne Marilyn Eugene Amber Juan Danielle Gabriel Rose Louis Brittany Russell Diana Randy Abigail Vincent Natalie Philip Jane Logan Lori Bobby Alexis Harry Tiffany Johnny Kayla and DanceDanceEvolutionChamber. It’s been so long since you last saw the grandkids, and I heard that we’re expecting 37,883 great grandchildren this year. Our precious little family is growing.
We all hope that you’re enjoying retirement, and don’t worry, we’re taking care of the family business of infesting planets and civilizations. I look forward to retiring with you one day, once all non-Zerg life in this sector of the galaxy has been extinguished.
Unfortunately we couldn't all fit in this family photo
Yours Forever,
Urgent transmission to:
C.O. Chillindude829
Planet Earth I, Milky Way Sector
02/14/2019 - 00:01 Hours
Federation communications have told me that an Earth holiday called Valentine’s Day is approaching. I’ve been told this day is for exchanging romantic transmissions and hearts. The refrigerated hearts of the space pirates will take some time to arrive, but this transmission should be instantaneous.
Commanding Officer Chillindude829, I know Fox is your main in the competition, but that I’m the main in your heart. The nicest shot you’ve hit is the one that penetrated my Power Suit. I look forward to taking off the suit, curling up in a ball with you, and enjoying this Earth phenomenon called Netflix.
I was instructed by my colleague to send photos of my peaches. Please enjoy the ripe peaches that I have attached.
Sent from:
Gunship of Samus Aran
Planet K-2L, Thebes Sector
P.S. The thing that killed my parents got into Ultimate and the Nintendo Federation delayed my new mission by another year at least. It’s been a bad year so hit a charge shot on some fool in pools for me!
C.O. Chillindude829
Planet Earth I, Milky Way Sector
02/14/2019 - 00:01 Hours
Federation communications have told me that an Earth holiday called Valentine’s Day is approaching. I’ve been told this day is for exchanging romantic transmissions and hearts. The refrigerated hearts of the space pirates will take some time to arrive, but this transmission should be instantaneous.
Commanding Officer Chillindude829, I know Fox is your main in the competition, but that I’m the main in your heart. The nicest shot you’ve hit is the one that penetrated my Power Suit. I look forward to taking off the suit, curling up in a ball with you, and enjoying this Earth phenomenon called Netflix.
I was instructed by my colleague to send photos of my peaches. Please enjoy the ripe peaches that I have attached.
Sent from:
Gunship of Samus Aran
Planet K-2L, Thebes Sector
P.S. The thing that killed my parents got into Ultimate and the Nintendo Federation delayed my new mission by another year at least. It’s been a bad year so hit a charge shot on some fool in pools for me!
Dearest Salem,
I may have suffered from amnesia in the past, but trust me, love, I still hold grudges. Especially when I’ve been betrayed.
After all we’ve been through together I really thought you’d show me more loyalty. While I’m not shocked at all you have come back to me (they all do), I am not going to just simply forget the anguish you’ve put me through these past few months.
I really thought it’d be you and me against the world after that whole fiasco with the spirits. You know the one, where I had to be rescued by a small pink ball with eyes, embarrassingly enough. But I guess my humiliation had really only begun, because soon after I saw you had vacationed in sunny Florida without me, instead bringing along Link.
By the way, please don’t worry about him. That’s all been taken care of. Let’s just say I’ve physically manifested what you’ve done to my heart figuratively: Shot two arrows through it. We’re even now, don’t you think? So no hard feelings.
I’ve seen you say that anyone can be a good main in Ultimate, and I just have to laugh. Do not fool yourself. You will always come back to me. But I’m not that easy, honey. I expect you to make it up to me this Valentine’s Day. If you need any advice on how to treat a lady, ask your mum.
Love,
I may have suffered from amnesia in the past, but trust me, love, I still hold grudges. Especially when I’ve been betrayed.
After all we’ve been through together I really thought you’d show me more loyalty. While I’m not shocked at all you have come back to me (they all do), I am not going to just simply forget the anguish you’ve put me through these past few months.
I really thought it’d be you and me against the world after that whole fiasco with the spirits. You know the one, where I had to be rescued by a small pink ball with eyes, embarrassingly enough. But I guess my humiliation had really only begun, because soon after I saw you had vacationed in sunny Florida without me, instead bringing along Link.
By the way, please don’t worry about him. That’s all been taken care of. Let’s just say I’ve physically manifested what you’ve done to my heart figuratively: Shot two arrows through it. We’re even now, don’t you think? So no hard feelings.
I’ve seen you say that anyone can be a good main in Ultimate, and I just have to laugh. Do not fool yourself. You will always come back to me. But I’m not that easy, honey. I expect you to make it up to me this Valentine’s Day. If you need any advice on how to treat a lady, ask your mum.
[Editor's Note: We tried our best to think of a ridiculous Bayonetta photoshop, but her photos on the internet are already far worse than anything we could ever hope to imagine.]
Love,
Hi Nemo.
It’s me, Cammy.
STOP!!! - Don’t throw this away, please!
Look, I know how you feel about me. I’ve seen the hatred you’ve expressed towards me but I don’t buy it. We often push away those we care about the most. We aren’t in grade school anymore Nemo, you don’t have to pick on me, I don’t have cooties!
The truth is we make a good match. A globetrotting, handsome professional like yourself with a former assassin turned MI6 operative, we’d be the COOLEST couple ever! You can’t avoid it anyway, what are you going to do, block me? You know I’m always plus, let me bring that positivity into your life!
I already know you like blondes, I’ve seen you messing with that ice queen Kolin, but she’ll skate right out of your life and leave your heart cold!
Give me a chance and be your valentine, so when you aegis reflector you aren’t alone in the mirror -- let us gaze into the mirror together and let our love reflect to the world!
It’s me, Cammy.
STOP!!! - Don’t throw this away, please!
Look, I know how you feel about me. I’ve seen the hatred you’ve expressed towards me but I don’t buy it. We often push away those we care about the most. We aren’t in grade school anymore Nemo, you don’t have to pick on me, I don’t have cooties!
The truth is we make a good match. A globetrotting, handsome professional like yourself with a former assassin turned MI6 operative, we’d be the COOLEST couple ever! You can’t avoid it anyway, what are you going to do, block me? You know I’m always plus, let me bring that positivity into your life!
I already know you like blondes, I’ve seen you messing with that ice queen Kolin, but she’ll skate right out of your life and leave your heart cold!
Give me a chance and be your valentine, so when you aegis reflector you aren’t alone in the mirror -- let us gaze into the mirror together and let our love reflect to the world!
Deez legs, mama
Dearest Peter,
Jonathan Harker once mused, no man knows till he has suffered from the night how sweet and how dear to his heart and eye the morning can be. This notion whispers fevered truths to me. For you, Peter, are my crimson dawn. Every moment apart from you a draining darkness from which even I cannot escape.
From the very moment you first sought my powers, thoughts of you ever circulate my mind. Verily even now I can feel the heat of your blood calling me to you. The complex network that is you pulsating with the red hot passion of a warrior. How I do so very much love a warrior with heart, never a stale moment. Together we bathed in the florid warmth of battle. Staining the very fields with the color of our thirst.
And lo. Despite having swum in my pool of scarlet elation, you recoil at once again harnessing my powers. This apparent repulsion to my services is vexing—very vexing indeed. Don’t be shy, Peter. You have a knack for the manipulation of the macabre. A deliciously vain control of the crimson. The way you harness the hematic with sanguinary effect leaves me in awe.
Choose me Peter. And once again, we shall run the rivers red.
Yours,
Jonathan Harker once mused, no man knows till he has suffered from the night how sweet and how dear to his heart and eye the morning can be. This notion whispers fevered truths to me. For you, Peter, are my crimson dawn. Every moment apart from you a draining darkness from which even I cannot escape.
From the very moment you first sought my powers, thoughts of you ever circulate my mind. Verily even now I can feel the heat of your blood calling me to you. The complex network that is you pulsating with the red hot passion of a warrior. How I do so very much love a warrior with heart, never a stale moment. Together we bathed in the florid warmth of battle. Staining the very fields with the color of our thirst.
And lo. Despite having swum in my pool of scarlet elation, you recoil at once again harnessing my powers. This apparent repulsion to my services is vexing—very vexing indeed. Don’t be shy, Peter. You have a knack for the manipulation of the macabre. A deliciously vain control of the crimson. The way you harness the hematic with sanguinary effect leaves me in awe.
Choose me Peter. And once again, we shall run the rivers red.
You WILL be MINE
Yours,
